5-28-08

5-28-08

Perhaps I am avoiding it, perhaps I feel I don’t have much to say. Either way, I am writing because you have asked me. You have asked me what is happening, you have sent wishes and thoughts as we mark a year since the accident. You have reached out to us, anticipating what we may be feeling during these moments. So, thank you! Thank you for keeping us in your prayers, thoughts, and energies. We are appreciative and each time we begin to struggle beyond our capacity, the Universe sends us another phone call, email, card, or some other kind of connection.

We are struggling right now, but not as much as we have in the past. It reminds me that it is easy to ask for help when things are really hard, but not so much when they are just hard. Because I like to introspect and pull things apart to look at the pieces, I keep analyzing what I am feeling, why I am feeling it and what I have come up with is the long, hard road. The adrenaline of the accident and the months that followed kept us going on pure need. Today, we find ourselves with mundane struggles catapulting the underlying hopes and fears.

Recently, Orien Rose came into the bathroom when I was in the shower. She said, “Mom, look!” As if I could get a moment alone…lol… I told her to give me a moment and she said, “no Mom, look!!” And as I pulled the shower curtain back, there she was in her Tae Kwon Do uniform, her advanced green belt (tied correctly she showed me) around her waist, her gloves and foot gear on, and her helmet (not the one she was supposed to be wearing) and she says,” I am ready to spar!”

Oh boy, my heart sank and laughed in the same moment. She is ready for the surgery, too. She is also scared and has finally begun to express some of that rather than picking her head to avoid it. Yes, she got to her head again last week, but at this point she is so healed that the spot is miniscule.

Next week, I will drive to RI to meet with both plastics and neuro to talk to them about the impending surgery. I have put in the call to let them both know that we are ready. She is healed, she is ready, we are ready. Hopefully, the doctors are ready. Plastics wanted three months from the time of her head healing. June 5th will be 9 weeks, which puts us at the first week in July. These are OUR plans. Nothing, as we have learned, is set in stone.

So, we go about our days, making phone calls, working as much as possible and trying to survive. Yes, we are back to survival, living at the basest we can manage, and even then we sometimes feel we are drowning. But I believe in the power of Will and the Universe’s desire to take care of us. I put my prayers out there every day. I take a moment in the morning to listen to the music and feel my body and thank the Gods that my feet work, that my legs work, that I can feel the weight of my stomach, my heart, and then Orien turns over (now he can hear the music) wakes up and hits the snooze button and I am frozen until I can come out of shock and resume my morning mediation. J

Then the day begins…

We are blessed by our routine, that Orien Rose is in school and each morning is a normal struggle between parent and child to get the duties of the morning met before the bus. This morning, we sat down at the table together, all three of us, and discussed what instrument she will play next year. I try hard not to sway her decision, as I desire my cello greatly (I have yet to get one that works). I remember the way it felt in my arms, cradled by my legs, a full body wave of motion as the music played deep, enveloping me. There were times I would get so lost in the vibration of the wood, the movement of my body, and I knew that was what love was.

Orien points to all the instruments he played on the list they have given her. I talk to her about all the instruments I played. She tells me she wants to play them all. That’s my girl! I think. But, she decides on Violin as her first choice. Aunt Kelly will be proud!! And, Flute as her second choice. Then she says she wants a third choice…Cello (wooohooo, I am thinking!!!)

All of this, and a year ago there was a moment that I knew she decided to live. She has stuff she needs to do. We all have our fears. We all have our stresses of daily living: enough food, money, time…but each day brings with it so many blessings. In a moment of pain, if I can look, really look, at my family the pain vanishes. If I am in pain, and I can peek at my reality, it lessens opening the door for more healing.

So, next week we will go to the doctor’s and hopefully have a clearer picture. The following week, we will go to Free Spirit, our yearly spiritual retreat. This is where I get recharged for the year. This is where I can sit and watch my child grow up with the community that is so much a part of her. This is where I get to relax, talk, be. I have some work that needs to be done, some of it will, some of it maybe won’t depending on how the Universe deems. Orien has work to do…and Orien Rose…she is the manifestation of that work. I see that now!

So many of you talk about her survival and thriving as a result of how we raise her. I see what you are talking about, but I still can’t take the credit for it. We are doing the best we can. With all of you, that best becomes incredible!!