12-10-07

12-20-08

At 2pm today, I got to pick up Orien from work so we can go to Orien Rose’s school to talk with the school psychologist about her last set of test scores. For the past few months, Orien Rose has been going back through the battery of academic testing to determine where she is at right now. Some of the tests are not new to her, but this set included tests she has not seen before.
I loves numbers and patterns, so this part of the process excites me. It is concrete, I can see it. Does it mean anything? Who knows? I know that there are always things to consider when looking at the numbers, but the patterns are what really intrigue me.
Orien Rose liked doing the testing. She would talk about when she had to go to the psychologist’s office and is sad that she will not be doing so anymore. Orien Rose is inquisitive, creative and likes new things. She is powerful that way. If it is something she enjoys, she can do it forever.
Which, I am glad to say, I am finding Orien Rose is bed more often now, with a book and markers drawing more and more detailed pictures. We were concerned, as things started coming back, that her art might suffer the blow of her accident. Now, she is identifying with Frida Kahlo and her accident. Now, Orien Rose sees her artwork as a vehicle, not just something that feels good. She is making inferences that often blow me away. Perhaps I am unintelligent in these ways, or (more likely) Orien Rose is sophisticated.
We went to the doctor last week after the last month of anti-biotics. The neurosurgeon just kept saying what a miracle she is. “Look at her, “he says. “She is there.” In speaking with ID and Neuro, it was agreed that Orien Rose would come off the anti-biotics for the month and she how she does. I had expressed (and I don’t think that the ID doctor took much account, though the Neuro Resident did) that I wanted her off the anti-biotics, that it was working against her now. So, in the end, we were all in agreement anyway.
The goal, for this month, is to get Orien Rose’s head to close up. When we arrived at the doctor’s office, Orien Rose’s head was moist and open, looking as it did the month before. The neurosurgeon said to come back in a month, and if her head was closed, we would start the clock. However, he feels as if the surgery won’t happen until the Summer. That is not acceptable to me (lol), so I told him her head would be closed by the next visit at the end of January.
Since taking Orien Rose off of the antibiotics, her head has begun to scab, to turn red with blood, to oxygenate. Her head has begun to heal over, with minor setbacks as the scab sometimes gets moved by her prodding. But, it is a scab, not just moist skin! This is what we want! It WILL be closed by the end of January and we WILL show up at the appointment ready to begin the countdown to full skull!
I find myself jumping around a lot in my thoughts (which tells me I am getting back to normal). However, I do want to talk about our Story. I am amazed at how this has touched so many people. I am amazed as I watch my daughter walking through the isles of the toy store to buy her aunt and uncle a present. I am amazed that this came from your support.
So many people have reached out their hands to us, and that is our Holiday Gift. I am reminded of this on a daily basis. I am reminded to keep it simple and be grateful for the abundance of Love that we have been given.
Orien Rose is a “good girl.” She is more than that. She is strong and powerful, she is willful and a survivor. I find myself contending with an idea of Santa Claus that we did not put in her head, and I find myself angry at the message she has been given about Christmas. I hear her saying things like, “I hope I get ____ for Christmas, I was a good girl,” and I cringe.
I remember the Solstice Orien and I celebrated just before I got pregnant, where we decorated a tree outside with cranberries and popcorn for the birds and we drummed until the Sun went down, honoring the longest night of the year. I knew that I wanted things to be good for my future children, I wanted to raise them, her, to know that it is about the turning of the wheel. I wanted her to honor the birth of our God, to honor the labor the Goddess went through. I wanted her to understand that now is the time for the Mother to retreat to take care of her child, for the Holly King to retire to the Oak King’s reign. It is the time when we are reminded that the Light will return! That the Earth will be green again, and that new life will be borne.
I didn’t want her worth to be based on the amount of presents she got under the tree. I didn’t want the gauge of her behavior to be based on this concept. I can’t provide that for her. I will do my best, but according to that barometer, Orien Rose will not get the Christmas morning due her strength. I have cried the past few days over this, I have gotten angry, and I have searched deep down for solutions.
There are things Orien and I need to take care of; finances that need to be cleared up and straightened out and work through. I keep pushing forward, getting inspired by my business, my education, his strength and skill. I keep praying for clarity, for the solution, for the next right thing to show itself. I know this requires change, and I am willing! I knew it once, and Orien Rose has reminded me so clearly about it.
As I work my body out everyday, I am learning to be gentle with myself. I keep telling myself that it is the simplicity that matters most. It is the stability and strength of facing our fears, and confronting those that mean something to us. It is the gathering of family and friends, the forgiveness of past mistakes and the warmth of a good cup of hot chocolate shared that tells us our worth. Not the amount of packages under the tree!
Thank you for being a part of that!