12-10-07

12-10-07

I am sitting in bed, in my favorite spot, looking out the window at the ice-coated trees, and I was thinking of all of you. I was thinking that I would like to send you all a holiday card, a thank you, a wish for a good new year. Then I was thinking of the people we continue to meet as we raise our heads to breathe fresh air as if coming out of our fish bowl of healing. And I wonder if I could even get it together in time.
I have the paper, the envelopes and the address labels, all with beautiful snowflake designs. I have the story in my head of what I would write, and even a picture I might include. Where I come up short is all the addresses. There was a notebook, you see, not as in the movie, but one that had addresses from the beginning of our hospital stay. I cannot find it. I have looked through all the bags I have yet to go through (and there are quite a few of them) and the piles of mail I am slowly sorting, and I cannot find it. It had many addresses in it. If you are interested in being on our paper mailing list for the Holiday card, please send me your addresses by emailing moonbeams4moonfinder@yahoo.com with the heading HOLIDAY CARD ADDRESS
It seems that there are items, books, cards, that have just gone missing as if the gift of healing was given and dissipated as needed. I am troubled by this, but I understand. I feel responsible, but I can’t beat myself to pieces trying too hard. So, I use the outlet I do have, and that is to write to you all.
As you have heard me speak of, we are still on the “thank you” tour. We are still meeting people that have given us the gift of prayer and thought and healing. I walk into the chiropractic office to meet an amazing woman with a generous heart who tells me of the thoughts she has had for us and Orien Rose. I meet another woman in the same office who says, “are you so and so’s friends? This is your little girl. We continue to pray for you every day! You are amazing.” I meet others that tell of our strength and speak in tribute of our parenting and I return with, “thank you! We can’t do it without community! You are who keeps us strong.”
Friday night was my sister’s wedding, and it was so beautifully cold and snowy. Our bodies, our dresses, fit in with the holiday spirit. Orien officiated (for the first time without me, but he did so wonderfully). The ceremony was sweet and short and spoke of the community we are so fond of. The vows were clean, crisp, clear. They were easily understood by all who attended, especially the part where they vowed to walk side by side in a partnership. Its lessons were not lost on me.
When I stepped outside of the bridal room, I saw one of my mother’s old friends, and she stood up and gave me the biggest hug she could. We walked outside to enjoy the crisp air and she told me of her own reactions, her own journey impacted by Orien Rose’s accident. She then spoke of her mother, living in Ireland, right outside of Belfast, and the prayer work that went down there for us.
In the middle of this, another man walked outside, another friend of the family’s, another person I remember with a fond heart as he dressed up, clown style, and entertained us (when we were younger). He spoke of being at the beach on the day of the party for Orien Rose, wanting to be with us, he collected some shells. Orien Rose had brought those shells into me not 20 minutes earlier and told me they were a gift. He wanted his hug, too. And gladly I gave it.
He also spoke of checking the blog every day to see if I had written, and then he told me the last date I had written. I realized I may have been neglecting you all, but then in another breath realized that we are getting life back together. The woman with us made a great comment, to the effect of, “when the writing stops, that means things are getting better.” I have to agree, but I also don’t want to neglect. So, I am putting it out there now. The book, the one that so many have told me to write, is in the works. If anyone out there knows a good route to go, a good publisher to seek, please, share. J
Orien and I are staying strong in our relationship, realizing that this could have gone a couple of ways. It was very clear from the beginning that we had no choice but to put aside our crap and play to the strengths we both have. As life gets normalized and daily routine sets in, it becomes a conscious effort, however. We are careful to monitor our own exhaustion and look forward to when we can simplify even more.
I have left my day job (which was supposed to only be for a year anyway so I could then start my internship) to stay home, to try and get the house organized, and to run my business. I have succeeded in burning myself out, then doing nothing, and hopefully, finally, reaching a point where I can balance home, work and school. For me, I work a few hours during the day on my business, a few hours on the house, and an hour or so on me. The majority of my work hours are on the weekends, when I go out to people’s homes.
My goals, right now, are to douche the house of unnecessary things, to not bring in anymore unless an equal or greater amount leaves. To organize the paperwork and Orien Rose’s bedroom, to make good decisions about money spending. My goals are also to grow my business even more, to support my team so they succeed. My goals include finishing my degree (which was pushed back about a year and is a struggle to keep going right now) and start my internship next year. I can’t think much past the next semester, or I feel as if I just want to stop for one.
Orien has decided not to teach sign language at the college next semester, so he will be home every evening (except Tuesdays when he is out to take care of himself). He is putting the energy into Orange County (he was teaching in Sullivan and Ulster). My hope for him is to take the time to recoup. He went right back into working two jobs once September came, not allowing for any time at home for him. I also hope he gets more connected to our home.
Magically, we have started work on not only strengthening our family, but our home, the four walls we live in, as well. With all the healing energy being sent our way, there was a back lash of things that decided to break (hot water heater, furnace, AC, cars, etc..). We have been working diligently to bring the balance back without taking away from Orien Rose’s healing.
So, since most of you read to find out how she is doing, let me finally get to her. J Orien Rose is fantastic, she is strong. She is wise and creative. She goes to MOMA and as Orien is trying to explain to her why she can’t touch the exhibits, she takes it in deeply. She listens to him as he points to all the people below them in the museum. She listens as he says to her, “what would happen if all those people touch the exhibits? What would happen to the art?” I get what he is trying to say. So does she. She turns to him, though, and says, “But there is dead fruit on these trees, Papa.” I then realize that an old friend, Bob Amery, and she would have gotten on so well! He was fantastic with his art, including the kids, working as a Shiva, creating his work, destroying it with passion with the aid of the children, and then piecing it back together in partnership with them! She has always been drawn to the piece he gave me for my graduation so many years ago. I should have known he would make his presence known again! I am saddened for a moment, as I think about his passion. I am saddened for my world that misses him.
Orien Rose is showing us everyday what it means to be strong. She is faced with social pressure, being in third grade now, and is struggling with acceptance. She has a keen sense of fairness, and doesn’t like it when things are unjust. She says that she plays a lot by herself in school, that she doesn’t think the others kids like her and the she is lonely a lot. She has been internalizing things as well. For example, two weeks ago, Orien Rose was supposed to stay after school for tutoring. She was put on the bus instead. So, she found herself on her bus, remembering just before she got home that she wasn’t supposed to get on the bus. When the bus got to our stop, no one was there to meet it, as I was on my way to her school to pick her up. When I got the call, turned around and finally got home, she was crying and upset. She apologized profusely and told me that she thought I would be mad at her.
Of course, I wasn’t mad at her. It was not her fault. However, for the rest of the night she said things like, “I’m so stupid. I am a bad kid. I just want to be a good student.” For me, Orien Rose is the best student I know. She studies life, she works through her struggles, she is compassionate and understanding. She is empathic and empathetic. Those words coming from her mouth seemed foreign to me.
When we talked about the kids at school, she said she doesn’t feel like she fits in and is afraid they will treat her different because of her helmet and she didn’t want them to. I asked her how she thought they would treat her different. She said, “at lunch, there is a girl’s table and only girl’s can sit at it, but they let ____ sit there because he has crutches. I don’t think that’s fair. He shouldn’t be able to sit there just because he has crutches. They shouldn’t treat him any differently than the other boys who can’t sit there.” She was adamant about this. So I said, “ Do you sit at the girl’s table?” She looked at me with “that look” and said, “No, all they do is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!” While telling me this, she is moving her hand in a gabby motion to show me.
So I said, “Where do you sit?” She said, “The boys table. They eat…and talk a little.”
Orien Rose is powerful and strong and threatening to some I am sure. Whatever the language, those who have positive thought and energies tend to get it. Those who are scared, who can’t deal with different, who shy away from conflict or trauma don’t stay too long. Orien Rose breaks my heart when I see her sad, or when I see her internalize other people’s issues, but I know she is strong. We give her lots of love, and we are maintained by all of you who keep supporting us.
In order to heal the way we need to, we have needed to simplify. The money coming in is managed and maximized, but we have better hours. School is a priority so I meet the deadline and won’t need to take an extra four classes. Our house is full, so we donate more (I have put at least three bags of clothes in the past month into a bin). There is food in the refrigerator and we eat out less. This process is a learning experience in itself, but once we get to another point, once I get to another point of simplicity, it feels so clean, so good, so healing. Thank you!!