9-7-07

9-8-07

This is the first moment I have had to do an update! This week has been CRAZY…emotionally, physically, spiritually…in every way possible. There have been many miscommunications & stresses and an equal amount of growth and joy!

Orien and I had it hard this week. We took last weekend to visit the “Cottage” attempting for relaxation. I am not sure it was the best decision for us, but we made the best of it. Sometimes, our best is not so great in a moment, but he and I are being as forgiving as possible with each other. We did have a nice lobster dinner and some good antique perusing. The weekend did hold some healing. Orien spotted a beautiful copper stag ink well for me! Holy Cow!! It is so magical, so pointing me in the direction of writing that I cried when I saw it. And I was going to walk out and be done!

Orien Rose and Abigail (and I and my mother) as well as Orien went out on the boat for the first time since the accident. Though the boat has been in the water, it seemed that we were waiting for this moment. Orien Rose was contemplative as she gazed at the water. I could see in her eyes that she was trying to figure something out, but she wasn’t quite reaching it. I could see as she stared at the motor the question about how she lived. Or perhaps, it was the awe that she did live that I saw. For the most part, she was good that we were keeping her safely inside the boat though she wanted to go faster, she wanted to move around. She was restrained, by both us and by herself. It wasn’t long before she said she wanted to go back.

Abigail seemed to be okay as well. At the beginning of the weekend, she didn’t want to go on the boat. She didn’t want to fish from the boat because she was afraid that she might get hooked. When she realized that we were going for a short ride, no fishing poles, she agreed. I think it was healing for her as well.

We made another visit to the fire department this visit, hoping to catch a few of the guys as my mother bought them some gifts. We were gifted ourselves with smiles and nods, and some hats and pencils. The rest of the gifts, for those who weren’t there, were left for them. It was good for all of us to go.

We got home late Monday night. Orien drove as I slept because I was going to start my work week Tuesday. Nervous about going back to work, knowing I am not on my game, I drove in with Kristy. Orien and I are down to one car right now, and she was gracious enough to make a detour in her trip to pick me up. Orien and Orien Rose were up later than we anticipated and I needed to be there earlier than I originally thought. We are living around her IV treatments. So, there is no way he could have dropped me off that day on time.

As for transportation, we will see how this next week works out. I got a ride in with another coworker for the rest of last week, but I think that one of us is soon going to get some really strong legs remembering how to ride a bike! J Orien starts his position on Monday. Luckily, he will be working a mile and a half from where we live and he goes in a half an hour later than me, so he can put Orien Rose on the bus.

Which brings me to the question I have been getting the most: how was Orien Rose’s first day of school? Well, when I asked her, she said, “GREAT!” Orien took her in, as the nurse wanted to speak with us about the medical questions that have presented themselves in this situation. I spoke briefly with the nurse over the phone: no running, helmet stays on at all times, Orien Rose has a dual lumen central line in her chest that will be under her clothes (and a sports bra), she has a left bone flap (no skull)…

So, Orien drove Orien Rose to school, spoke with the nurse, met the OT and speech therapist as well as the school psychologist. He brought her to the front door just before the bell rang, and let her go as soon as it did. He said a horde of kids came barreling into the school and she went right along to her classroom. He did walk up the hall afterwards to make sure she got there, and she was fine! She came home on the bus with no issue!

Orien Rose said she met a new friend, but couldn’t remember his name. She had fun in school, stayed with the guidance counselor for recess, and likes her teacher. She said the kids asked her a lot of questions. She said they kept asking her over and over if it hurt, and her reply was, “No, I was unconscious.”

Her second day was just as good, she said. I haven’t yet spoken with her teacher, though she called to check in. We were waiting (a long time) for the bus when she called, and when I called back, she was already gone. I need to write myself a million notes to remember small things like this now! Orien Rose wasn’t in school on Friday, and I guess they knew this, or Orien called, because I didn’t get a call. I hope so, or I will send a note on Monday.

Orien took Orien Rose to the neurosurgeon’s office to get her stitches removed. Luckily, they were able to do it all on Friday, and they won’t have to stay until Monday (this was a possibility if they needed to remove every other). When I spoke to him, he said it took an hour to convince her to sit still, and some healing work about pain and fear (and getting rid of what that nut of a nurse has done). Even the resident said that she has seen it before. That one bad experience can affect the rest of it. So, it took them over an hour, there was only pain with one stitch, and they took a break halfway through and then finished. So, I will see them Sunday night.

I know I am jumping around, but that is how this week has been. I watched the movie Premonition last night, and that is what I feel like. As if days are disjointed and I can’t remember what day it actually is. I know that Orien Rose was screaming in the kitchen on Thursday, and that the shipment of medication was two days late and Orien spoke with ten different people who told him ten different things. Then the nurse called to say she would be late, and another one called to say she would be there instead. And Orien Rose was screaming because the dressing needed to be changed AGAIN, because the other nurse insisted on putting on bacitracin which was loosening the dressing. And Heather was there to pick up Orien Rose to try on a dress for her wedding. And UPS messed up with my delivery and I ended up waiting for them in the parking lot for them to tell me the driver couldn’t find me in the parking lot. Then I got on the phone with my mother who wanted to revisit a conversation I couldn’t have and it didn’t go well, and she is stressed, and I am stressed and it wasn’t nice. And I wrote myself three notes to pick something up for Orien on the way home, and as I got to my driveway, I realized I forgot it.

I stopped! In my driveway…and I screamed at the top of my lungs, and I cried and I almost peed my pants it was so powerful of a body heave. I drove down the rest of the road and I parked and I sat and I cried for a moment. No, I convulsed with tears of rage, frustration and sadness. I burst open. And as I got out of the car, I told Orien I forgot and he laughed and said he would go out again, and I cried some more. And he held me.

That night, I did mindless, productive things. When he returned, I was sitting at the table, waiting for Orien Rose to get back, making my sample labels for the event I am doing on Sunday. He brought in the two sticky notes and said, “wow, you must have really been in a bad way, you had TWO notes.” And I stuck up the palm of my hand, and I said, “no, three” as I showed him the one I had written on me.

And finally, we sat, and I can’t remember if this was Wednesday, or Thursday, and we talked for a good half an hour. We talked about how lonely it has become. We talked about how we need to be strong, to re-pace ourselves, to forgive each other easily. We talked about “when this is over,” realizing that it won’t really ever be over, but it will get easier. We talked about the dogs, the dogs who so need our care, and how we so don’t have it to give.

So, this is how I will end this, this is what we need: are there any of you out there who could provide a home for our two dogs, separately or together, permanent or temporary?

Many blessings to all of you!