9-12-07

9-12-07

I have wanted to write for a few days, but time gets by me quickly it seems. As the second week of school ensues, we all adjust to a routine. As I imagined, it is good for us, though it keeps us busy. Orien started his job, Orien Rose is meeting the people she will be working with in school, I settle into a day time routine filled with children who make me smile. I am blessed in so many ways.

I found myself, yesterday, counting my blessings. I found myself thinking how nice it would be to write to you all to tell you we are doing this. We are doing it!! I want to give you some more of the hope that I feel, rather than the venting of my angst. Through all of it, I have learned forgiveness; forgiveness of others (especially of my husband) and myself. There is more time now to think about the little things, but those are the things I need to let go. Looking at the big picture, we have done so well. We are doing so well.

I got a message from a classmate, a woman who has lived this for a long time. She has always been a woman I have looked at with curiosity, compassion, and intrigue. She messaged me not too long ago, just to touch base, to say she was reading and she was with me! How good that felt.

Though it doesn’t come up a lot at work, people ask. I give them the short answer,” she is doing okay, getting adjusted. She is in school!” They tell me I am blessed. It could have been so different. And I look at the kids around me, I look at the teachers, and realize we all have our struggles. I have been aware of this, I have known this, I want to share this. I want to drum, and sing, and teach. I want to learn along with those who I spend a good time of my day with. I want to remain teachable. I am teachable.

I am tired, yes, but feeling better every day as we continue reaching out to people. We are half way through the IV treatments. This is a lonelier time for us, as people are not there to help us consistently, and it is hard, but it is also a time that is allowing us to bond and get stronger as a family. It is a time that is testing our ability to ask for help, and we are rising to the challenge. We are doing what we can to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, that is a moment alone in the bathroom, sometimes it is a drive to our counselor (and that one I will be making next week…lol…so for all of you who offered to come sit with Orien Rose for a few hours, know we will be asking for it on Tuesday).

During this week also, I have been able to give back. I was offered the opportunity to step out of myself for a few moments when I received a call from a friend in Maryland. She said she immediately thought of us when she heard of another family in need. This family is in our area. There was a baby, badly burned, in the hospital. The family needed some support, some guidance, and she turned to us. She thought of us. Our experience is helping others. I got on the phone immediately, asked for some work to be done magically, and then spoke with Orien. He visited with them on Sunday, offering whatever peace he could.

The Universe is taking care of us. It is giving us the opportunity to give back as well as bring the people we need to us. It is challenging us to reach out in so many ways. It reminds me that I have work to do in this lifetime. I am hurting, yes…but I am healing, too.

I was home Monday night, Orien was teaching and Orien Rose was snoozing before her evening treatment. My back was hurting incredibly, though I am not sure why. Physically, I think I am healing as well, remembering old pains that need to completely leave my body this time. Some things are intensifying (please, I gained weight on a cleanse) and some are passing slowly and steadily away.

I was lying on the couch, nursing my back and feeling a little alone. I was dipping my foot into an enjoyment of that feeling, and then feeling I needed to reach out…maybe. Well…three calls came in one right after the other. I decided to just listen to the voices on the machine, to take comfort in that alone. It was a beautiful moment.

I was sad the next day, wondering how much longer I could handle this, wondering how much longer it would take to get into a solid sleep routine, but it is getting there. It seems that I do better with Orien Rose in the morning (I am definitely a morning person) and Orien does better at night. The afternoon has been split either way. So, it is smoothing out.

Mary visited for a little while that day. Dr. Ann called to say she was thinking of us and asked when I would get in their to start some chiropractic work. I got some more emails from people reaching out about the dogs, whether it was to say they could try to help, or that they couldn’t and they were sorry. It definitely was a world different yesterday than it was even the day before. Today…I leave for RI as tomorrow we have a follow up ID appointment! Please send the energy for good news and infection healing incredibly…miraculously! I will be home again tomorrow night, to start my semester with my Counseling III class! I am excited.

This weekend, I leave for a few days to go to the Athena’s EXTRAVAGANZA. I am so looking forward to the meeting and the Leadership Awards dinner and breakfast. It rejuvenates me, it keeps me inspired, pumped, moving in a good direction. I have been so inspired by the hand that has reached out to me, the big hand of the many Goddesses and Adoni of Athena’s. I am looking forward to basking in their love. I know I have many hugs waiting for me.

I also found myself looking at the trainings that BOCES offers today, excited to continue to grow and learn. I am excited to stimulate my brain and bring the best me I can. Though I am only in one class this semester, I still plan to continue my education and my ability to help others. I am not bummed about taking only one class anymore. I definitely had my mourning of my externship for the year, but I have gotten at peace with the idea of taking it one day at a time. I do not “need to finish” in a certain time period, because I am realizing it will never be finished. I will always be a student, that’s who I am. Though, I did have to have Karen review it with me yesterday, as some of the information I had changed, it wasn’t hard to keep me where I am. I am in the right place (yes, my lovely students…I even tell myself I am in the right place. So, don’t get so perturbed when I tell you, lol). We are all where we are supposed to be, including my daughter, who is healing, who is strong, who is so incredibly compassionate! I am blown away watching her as she sleeps, watching her as she writes, reads, gets frustrated, laughs…

I spoke with Orien Rose’s teacher yesterday about what has manifested so far in school. Orien Rose is having a great time, and is at ease. Her work is a little challenging and we are trying to figure out if it is distraction, endurance, inability, or a combination. Orien Rose is social, and the children are being extremely kind. They ask her questions, she answers. She talks to the teacher (sometimes when she is supposed to be doing work). She complains of a stomach ache, which could be work avoidance or from the medications she is on. She goes to the bathroom frequently, again possibly one or the other or both.

I worked with Orien Rose on her homework yesterday, then gave her some extra work. Trying to assess if she could accomplish certain tasks so I can be on the same page as her teacher, we did some extra pages I had lying around. There is struggle and frustration, but she can do it. There is distraction, and we talked about it. Orien Rose got some of it, as she tried to find words in a word search and I played a very distracting game in front of her. She understood, after we talked a bit, what I was trying to help her with. She is so pure of heart, she smiled and went on with her work.

We read later, in bed, as Orien Rose was getting ready for sleep. I read to her, she read to me. She is not reading what I want her to, but she is reading. Eventually I let that thought go and just enjoyed watching her lips move, hearing the sound come out, and looking at her eyes as they scanned the pages. Her reading is steady, fluid. She can see, she can hear! I am so blessed. She can speak, walk, write, run (though she is not supposed to), answer questions. She is golden in her skin as it shines against the burgundy pillow. She is perfect. My little baby, my flawless child with her moon shaped scar across her cheek. Her eyes glowed with flecks of yellow, searching my face to see how I was feeling. And I cried: tears of happiness, gratitude, relief this time. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her I was happy.