Orien Rose Update from Christine

Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to post every day. The internet situation is not a great one at Blythedale, and it has been almost impossible to connect here. Therefore, you will probably here from me every other day as I return home. I believe you will get longer posts, though as I have more to process and share. I have not abandoned you, just as you have continued to show your support and compassion. I am still receiving your phone calls and emails. You are all still conscious that even though strength is increasing, we are still in the middle of a delicate situation. I am confident, even now as life stuff is beginning to show itself to us, that your support is nothing short of what is getting us through this. I am glad that those who live closer in NY are beginning to visit. The more people that come, the stronger we all get. Orien Rose’s recovery speeds up with each person passing into the doorway of her room. The other children there are feeling it too. The more Orien Rose can interact with those who love her, the sooner she will get home. I have seen the way her spirit soars when she can talk to people, to show them her helmet, her routine, her learning. We are all grateful! This weekend coming up looks to be one filled with lots of love and people. As Orien put it, if we can’t get a weekend pass (because they don’t do that anymore and there is really nothing going on during the weekends) we will fill the place with us. We will drum and play music. We will sit outside in a celebration of our own!

I have begun to talk to Orien Rose about her experience, more so now than ever. She is more vocal about it, more contemplative. She is okay here, she tells me, but she wants to go home. She understands the brevity of the situation, but that does not stop her from picking her nose and touching her head…all with a smile as we get her to the sink to wash her hands yet again.

Yesterday, more testing was done. They have pulled out the WISC, the Rancho, the Stanford-Binet…Orien Rose has also taken Visual Motor integration tests as well as other visual. In one she is presenting in the superior range. In the other, she is below the average. This one, they say, would be better if she were to slow down and take her time. I don’t know Orien Rose to ever really slow down. She wants to get it done! She wants to move on to things more interesting to her.

These questions are for you Steven (to those who don’t know him, he is a teacher and friend of mine)…is it possible that Orien Rose’s temperament has always been like this or was this learned? Is this a mind first or body first thing? (We can discuss more, later, about what I am seeing…and it is a lot).

The point I am making for the rest of you, is that Orien Rose, though the therapists are noting it, is not displaying many things differently. She is not overly “presenting” that many traits (although there definitely are some) of someone with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) according to what they are looking for. Perhaps I am way in denial; perhaps she is recovering so miraculously. I prefer to believe in miracles.

A lot of the doctors and therapists read her chart first, and I am beginning to love the expression I see on their faces when they meet her for the first time. It is one of surprise. As I have already stated, surprise is not one of the things I feel often, but I am beginning to allow. So this is a great picture for me.

One of the pediatricians just had to bring in the on call doctor for tonight to meet Orien Rose. She spoke of miracles and charts. She spoke of meeting the person behind the paper. It was a great moment as I watched him inspect her and smile.

Each time the therapists or doctors ask us what is different I have to look at Orien. He and I are both in agreement that Orien Rose is showing more thought before acting. She is more pensive, more contemplative. Impulsivity is there, and the tests are showing some signs of injury, but overall, she is Orien Rose. Vibrant, ready to heal.

Then I think back to right before the accident. These moments are coming back to me. We were reaching a new stage of things. Orien Rose was becoming more thoughtful, more aware of those around her. She had just begun to say things like, “I shouldn’t do that because…” She also had become more body conscious. She was hurt by the kids at school laughing at the hair on her legs. She had begun to look in the mirror and ask if she was fat. Orien Rose was becoming more aware of how others perceive things, and that views don’t always match up. We began to have more frequent conversations about hair on the body. And being conscious of body issues and comments that, though may be said innocently but more likely reflects a persons’ view of themselves, we began the conversations about perception of beauty. We began the self-worth and confidence talks. We began the, “the most attractive thing about a person is how they feel about themselves” conversations.

All this is “presenting” itself now. Orien Rose made a comment about losing weight because she didn’t eat for a week. She was happy she did so. I am glad my duties as a Mother to instill self-confidence are not over! Orien Rose will continue to get the talks, to see the many shaped bodies, to feel beautiful because she is! She will not be subjected, from me and Orien at least, to comments about her hands or feet that make her feel bad. Rather, I can identify with her, I can show her she is not alone. I can find songs like “Hands” by Jewel and share them with her. I can teach her without putting her into shock.

My point, Orien Rose is “presenting” just what she was before the accident. Albeit, a little slower.

Yesterday, Orien Rose made even more strides. She went to school and played outside with the kids by herself. She made new friends. Speech was given the speech (yes, I meant to use speech twice) about speaking in the positives by Orien and a brief (very brief he tells me) lesson on how to teach people without harming them (without putting them into shock). He connected he said, the therapist was responsive. I am feeling better.

Though I have thanked many of you either in person, via email or phone, I don’t know if I have thanked Orien for being who he is. Because of all of you, he and I have gotten to stay almost totally connected in this process. We have had moments. Yesterday, a coffee spilled and I am getting my period and it went over the cards, and I was hot…you get the picture. I apologized, told him I was sorry and explained (though it is definitely not an excuse) that I must be close to menses. Putting my body on hold, I kissed him goodbye and then sat down to center.

As I write this, I am thinking about how well we compliment each other (not with words and thank yous and such…though those help, but how well we work together). He is strong where I would struggle. He is there to pick up that slack as I am to do the same. It has been no secret that Orien and I have struggled. I think, however, that the struggle, almost in entirety was a set up for now. Though we struggle, we are committed to growth. For me, this has definitely manifested over the past few weeks. When I find myself thinking about things (and think I can do until I have run myself in circles) I slow down and take a look at Orien. I see him sitting there, so completely in his body, so completely in the moment that I can’t help but be affected. I see him remove himself, knowing his limits. He is rock solid. He is the “Thinking Man” with more flexibility. He is powerful and the Gods listen to him. He has cultivated a relationship with Deity. He is a Source. He is Faith manifested.

I see this manifestation at work here. We are committed to growth, and what better growth than a child, Divine and Beautiful. What better manifestation of Nature’s purest, but the fruits of Us. Orien Rose, a conceptualized possibility in her Grandmother’s womb, our only Child, is evidence of something so powerful we would be fools not to tap into the Creation of it; the challenges of it. This is one hell of a ride! I can see why we have had only one (so far…lol...).

The therapists are also seeing the miracle in it. They are fine tuning their treatment, moving way beyond the basics. PT is working on higher functioning skills and balance with Orien Rose, and assures us Orien Rose is doing fantastic. We like the PT. She is positive, smiling and on board with getting Orien Rose the strongest she can be in our short visit. She is cognoscente of our desire to learn from her what we can do on our own. Today, she will take Orien Rose outside to work more on balance and then Orien Rose will get to ride a bike again. There is nothing wrong with Orien Rose’s endurance.

Yesterday, Orien Rose got to ride a bike during her PT session, which was after her meeting with the psychologist and just before OT (it was a busy busy day). We were speaking with OT as she rode by her room. OT is evaluating and working on life skills stuff, organizational stuff. OT is picking up on those things we already know about Orien Rose, but working on them none the less. Orien Rose is coming back to us full force!

Today, OT talked to us about the “deficits” Orien Rose is showing. There is a test specifically for OT, and we said to please do it. This one is showing more significant goals to works towards, more learning that needs to be done.

Orien Rose still has some fine tuning to do, but we are hearing things like, “I am thinking your stay is not going be long, so I want to grab you now for evaluation.” This makes us feel so much better!!

So, there are little things. There is a pencil grip that is off, there is a pause before answering. There is an immediate answer of “No,” to a question. Then just as immediate, Orien Rose’s true answer. We see there is a pause presenting as a vocalization. She does an mmmnnnmmnow (“I don’t know”…with her mouth closed), but then she answers. We are learning to give her the pause and letting others know to do the same. Don’t take that as her answer. Speech is working (as are we) on getting her to vocalize this as, “I need a moment” or “I need time.” This work is being done so teachers won’t blow it off later on. It is easier to respond to, “I need a moment…” then mmmnnnmmnow! (Unless, of course, you are connected…then you can’t miss it!) Perhaps this will completely go away?

I can’t wait to get us all home, to walk into the door together. When Orien first went home, I was saddened. Then I went home, and I realized why it is happening this way. Piece by piece, we are preparing the home front, the home energy to shift back to the house we live in. We will be doing the switch, the alternating nights. As I say this to people, I realize that it never went out in my last post that we can do that. Originally we were told it couldn’t be this way, that I would have to be the one to stay overnight. Upon arrival, we were informed that was only the adolescent unit. We were good to go. So, today, if we see the social worker again, we will give up our family housing room.

I am sure you can tell in my writing that things are calming down. I am still not happy with the living care, but Therapy Village is amazing!! Last night showed some of the worse care I have seen as the nurse was changing one of Orien Rose’s roommates. I will not share the scenario, just tell you that I woke up at 2:30 this morning to a nurse saying, “what the f*%@k?” and running out of the room. I woke up to a mother who had been scared by this action, left with a child in the middle of a process that was far less of a crisis than the nurse’s response led the mother to believe. I wanted to cry for her, the Mother. It made me wonder why some people choose the career they do. It made me think about all the burnt out, institutionalized, people. And in saying institutionalized, I mean those workers who no longer care about the people they are caring for, rather those who have been so hardened by the institution, so done over by the bureaucracy. I guess I am seeing the difference between a caretaker and a caregiver play out right in front of me. It makes me remember my love of language and the power of the things that come out of our mouths. The vibration that goes out to the Universe is imperative to healing, to all of our healing. To healing in general, it is important.

This whole process has shown me that importance, it has shown me the power of all the words coming to us from you. The energy you expended in our direction from your hand to the paper or computer, the energy from your mouths to our phones even the newspaper articles which were handled with grace…you get it. I know you do, I can feel it!

I try to teach, that even in the smallest, the words that come from you are powerful. That even in “venting” you can put things out to the Universe that will be heard, that will create an aire surrounding your interaction with those you talk about. Therefore, it is important to vent to those who know what to do with it. Therapists, though they realize it or not, are a conduit. Friends are a conduit. Partners and Lovers are conduits. Anyone you speak to about someone else, is a conduit. So my plea to you is, choose your conduit wisely. It was important, especially in the beginning of this process, this journey that Orien and I vented to those who loved us both immensely. I recognized fairly early on that venting to someone who had little love for either one of us (though the love for the other could be greater) was a mistake. They wouldn’t know what to do with it. It was important to vent to someone who loved us both. In this, the task was understood. The unspoken was this, “The change needed at this moment is for you to take what I am saying and ground it. Don’t go anywhere with it but into the ground.” Those surrounding us did an amazing job of strengthening us by bringing that energy right back up from the Earth to us.

Perhaps the Universe has given me a gift in this. I have an uncanny ability to draw into the room those I am talking about (you can ask a number of people I work with about this). Therefore, I try not say anything about them I would not say to them directly (I reserve that process for the powerful people in my life, those that don’t try to “fix” it or analyze it, those that understand it for what it is). Even in e-mails I have written, I have seen this manifest. I think it is the Universe’s way of holding me accountable.

As I write all of this, I realize that I am veering off into another realm. I am finding that I have a little time today as Orien Rose is in school (the last day). I want to write down what I have learned. I am hungry to be in it. I can retrospect and reflect in this moment. Organization of the room is not imperative (which is what I used to do to occupy her naps, and my “down” time). I am free to write for the moment.

New things are sprouting up for Orien Rose from the outside: a fundraiser in Rhode Island that promises fun, music, entertainment, baskets to win! A motorcycle rally here in NY sporting t-shirts, raffles and more! Free Spirit energy and all the love that comes from knowing Orien Rose and us for over 11 years (I was there pregnant when Free Spirit first touched her)! And Starwood (where Orien Rose received her first Reiki attunement, in the womb) in the making (we are working on the arrangements now).

For now, it is almost noon on the 22nd. Two more days, and we will have been in this intensity for a month. Yesterday, Summer Solstice graced us with its moods, almost mimicking the up and down of us. The longest day of the year, we are moving towards the Dark Time again. I think we have been given a head start to the Promise of Light returning, to the Promise of growth within ourselves and the ability to go deep.

Today marks a full moon cycle. We have traveled the 28 days it takes for the moon to make its journey. I feel connected as I look out the window at night as the belly begins to swell, marking pregnant, fertile energy. I look forward to what the next cycle has to bring us. The energy is good, crisp, with little doubt penetrating!